When the ideology of “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” collides with the harsh reality of leading a life of “quiet desperation”, try these tips to turn life back around.
I am a U.S. citizen, and happy to be here in this country. So many have identified the U.S. as a land of opportunity; home of the free, land of the brave; and the place where the American Dream is possible.
Yet, I recently came across a video on YouTube where Joe Rogan was talking to a guest about the following quote from Henry David Thoreau. Only the first line was mentioned, but I added more from the original quote for greater context:
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.
henry david thoreau (from “walden”)
When I read through the comments of the YouTube video, I was not surprised to see so many agreeing with this. Many confessed to leading lives of “quiet desperation.” Unable to pay bills, going through divorce, some even having no debt, spouse, or children, but they all generally agreed they were in a state of despair.
I would be lying to say I have never felt this way. Back in 2019, before my relationship ended with my second husband, I felt completely responsible for keeping the family together, for the sake of our son. But it seemed like the harder and harder I tried, the worse things became. It eventually got to a breaking point. And the idea of divorce became a sweet relief.
While I debated that decision for months on end in my mind, once it came down to it, I knew we were both better off for it. But it didn’t stop the time between feeling the angst, worry, and despair.
It had even gotten so bad once, that I even questioned the reason for my very existence. I wouldn’t say I was suicidal, but it felt like that was only the next step to go.
But for the sake of my son, I knew something had to change. I just didn’t know what that was exactly.
That leads me back to these people who were in the YouTube comments, all raising their voices of desperation, like a unified plea for help.
Now that I’m on the other side of that feeling, I decided to put together a list of 3 things that must first occur before you can move beyond the quiet desperation.
1. Decide that where you are, is NOT okay with you anymore.
This is really important. It must be a non-negotiable. You have to dig your heels in the sand with conviction, and tell yourself that this is no longer acceptable to stay in despair.
A lot of people actually get stuck here because they don’t believe that life can actually get better. This is especially true if they are only surrounded by others who live with a similar mentality.
But it is important to begin to set standards for your own happiness. Setting a standard for how you want to feel, and how you want to live is something you must do. When this happens, it will become easier to see your current experience as increasingly uncomfortable, to the point where it will become something you are no longer willing to endure.
2. Define what you want instead.
Now once you’ve decided that you no longer want to be in a certain situation, it is equally important to define what you do want. Once you can say, “I want this instead,” you are now setting a goal or intention. This goal must be clear; a fuzzy target does not get hit.
But keep in mind, you want this goal to be something that you actually believe is attainable. If not, you will more than likely self-sabotage. This can occur in a variety of ways, such as procrastinating, making excuses for why you cannot take action, or if you do take action, they will be on irrelevant tasks that don’t lead to any results. It will only serve to confirm what you subconsciously believe to be true for yourself – a core belief that what you want is not possible for you. Which leads me to the final point…
3. Take steps to increase your self-worth.
Finally, it is important to believe you are worthy of what you want to achieve.
When I was in the hardest moments in my last relationship, I noticed they also coincided with the moments when I had the lowest self-esteem.
See, when you don’t love yourself, or believe in yourself and your worthiness, it’s far too easy to think thoughts that only confirm that belief. You’re then more likely to only take actions that also confirm that same belief, whether it is subconscious or conscious.
This is why the term “self-sabotage” even exists. You are aware it’s no one else’s doing – yet there’s almost nothing you can do in that moment to stop it. If left unchecked, this can become the default way of living for many people – and lead to the despair that Thoreau mentioned in his writings.
But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
I have created a signature coaching program to help individuals who are looking to step out of despair, and ignite the song that lies within them.
And, even if you aren’t sure what your song or purpose may be, I can help with rewiring your subconscious programs to improve the quality of your self-talk and build a loving relationship with yourself.
If you are interested in learning how to reprogram your limiting beliefs today, I invite you to click below to download my free guide, The Ultimate Guide to Reprogram Limiting Beliefs, here:
Here’s to your pathway out of despair, and into the light of hope at the end of your tunnel.
Much love to you all,
Kiara
