Since I was a kid, I had so many dreams and goals.
Yet one desire remained at the top of my priority list. It was a goal from as early as I can remember. Disney movies and fantasy novels helped me know I wanted to live “happily ever after”.
After years of fantasizing about what my ideal life would look like, I concluded that the key to this happiness was to find “true love”.
The one person who would make me feel complete. My soulmate.
Who was he? When would we meet?
These were all questions that racked my brain. Except there was one dilemma — I was not allowed to date.
I was raised in a religious environment, and I have a lot to be thankful for. My parents sacrificed a lot for us, and having 10 kids, was no small accomplishment. We were raised to have very high standards, and when it came to potential partners, this was no exception.
In my school years, I felt attracted to boys here and there, but dating was off-limits. Unless of course, the potential partner was also a member of the religion.
Although I did not stick with the religion as an adult, I ended up married to my first boyfriend by age 26. We met online when I was 19, and I believed him to be “the one.”
My first marriage did not end the way I expected. At some point, I began to grow disillusioned and dissatisfied.
The worst part was, I could not pinpoint exactly why I was so miserable.
I also had many emotional wounds I could not reconcile no matter how hard I tried. My ideas around my concept of God, morality, criticism, my sexuality, and worst of all, my identity, were not very positive.
Who the hell was I? Why was I so screwed up?
These chaotic thoughts and feelings manifested in ways that hurt not only myself but also my ex-husband.
When we split, I immediately began dating one of our mutual friends. I know — it was a very bad look from the outside looking in.
Blinded by feelings of infatuation, I believed myself to be in love.
What I later realized, is that this was in fact, about to become a codependent nightmare. We began dating as soon as I moved out.
In December 2016, this man became my second husband. The wedding occurred only three weeks after the divorce was finalized.
My new husband had already declared that he was polyamorous before we even tied the knot. But this was an important detail that I chose to ignore. It seemed only logical at the time to avoid things that felt uncomfortable to me.
Besides that, I had also researched the concept and thought it sounded good on paper. So I was on board…until it happened.
Approximately two months after our son was born, he declared that he was starting a relationship with someone else.
I lost it. We were driving home and I started crying; wondering why I wasn’t “enough” for him.
After some time, one of the things I had to ask myself was, “OK, now what?”
Once I acknowledged this, it became a lot easier to recognize what I actually could change.
That was when I began to notice patterns and beliefs I held that didn’t serve me.
I suffered from self-doubt, helplessness, fear of rejection, and a need to be “needed.”
One night, I had drank almost an entire bottle of wine, and threw myself at my husband. He had just returned from being with the other woman, and I felt deprived of love and affection.
I wanted him to want me the same way he wanted to be with other women.
Instead, I was met with rejection.
At some point, I had to be honest with myself. My life had become a trainwreck.
But how could I have become this person? I was the one who seemed to have it together. I had a psychology and counseling background and was raised in a very strict religious household with high morals and principles. So what was my problem?
Over time, I began to dive much deeper into not just personal development, but spirituality-based teachings. This is where I drew comfort and resonance at a core, soul level.
Slowly, I began to improve. Not all at once, but I started to notice changes in my self-worth.
In 2019, my husband began experiencing migraines. He was against any type of pharmaceutical drug and traditional methods of treatment.
About two weeks later, with a prescription in hand, he purchased marijuana from a dispensary and began his “treatment”.
Shortly after, he began to have spiritual experiences that he considered to be “channeling.”
I had listened to a lot of channelers at this point, so I was thrilled that my husband was also a channeler.
At that point, I began to think “Wow, our relationship is doing so much better.”
But two months later, something shifted, big time. That day, he started channeling something a bit more hostile and fear-based.
A month later, he started calling me things like a “parasite” and compared me to Lucifer. He said I only had 1% light left in me, and that God’s spirit had left me because I didn’t listen well and was “hard-headed”.
At the time, this hurt me. It triggered within me the same level of shame, self-judgment, and self-loathing that I had experienced in my younger years. Once again, I was not good enough. The feeling of rejection began all over again.
One day, in particular when he was channeling, he said “if you don’t listen, we’re going to leave.” I was so terrified, hurt, and depressed all at once. I had no desire to become a single mother.
At one point, I remembered feeling like why am I even here on this planet? It was the lowest I had felt in my life. I also began to think that my son deserved a better mom than I was.
Weeks passed, and at some point, one of my friends encouraged me to go “no contact” with him. So we had minimal interactions for about a two or three-week stretch. During this time, I had a heart-to-heart with myself.
I knew this relationship was no longer what I wanted, but I had no idea how it would end. I wanted it to evolve in a way that was beneficial for both of us, including our son, if possible.
So I did what I have always loved — I wrote.
I began to write answers to the following questions: What kind of relationship would feel good to me? What kind of a lifestyle would feel good to me? What kind of a person do -I- want to be?
I began to get very clear on my vision, and I focused on creating my new identity.
One day in particular a very heated interaction began between my husband and me. For some reason, I secretly recorded the entire conversation on my phone.
About 15 minutes into this, he said, “You’re going to be a slave to the light or a slave to the dark, Kiara. There is no option for you. You have demonstrated by your actions that you are not a free being.”
I said with defiance, “I’m not anyone’s slave.”
Then he said, “Well, who are you?”
I simply responded with, “I am love.”
I don’t even know why I said that. Of all the things I could have said, that was my response.
I then started saying affirmations, and my voice became stronger and my volume increased.
I said, “I am love. I am amazing. I am capable. I am…backed by the universe.”
When I said that, I felt a fullness wash over my entire body. Similar to when you take a deep, satisfying breath. I felt at home — completely whole, and secure within myself.
All fear had disappeared.
Next, I started feeling a very loving, powerful presence all around me. These were strong energies of support and love. I also felt so much power; not in an abusive, controlling type of way. Instead, it was like the omnipotent, all-knowing kind of power. This was unlike anything I had ever felt before in my entire life.
That was the best I had EVER felt in my body. I felt one with the universe.
In that conversation, my ex used fear-based messages in an attempt to manipulate me. Each time he tried to instill fear though, I responded with love, compassion, and empowerment.
I knew this was not “typical Kiara.” After all, I am an Aries (and Leo Rising), so when I am pushed or attacked, my first instinct is to fight back.
Yet this time, there was no anger, no defensiveness, and no fight within me. That fire in my belly was nowhere to be found.
It was at that moment when I realized who I truly am. I had mated with my soul.
At that moment, I had finally found my “soul mate.” The one true love I had been seeking my entire life. It was within me, the entire time. Who would have known?
I began to sense an inner knowing that said I am here to be love on this planet. My purpose? To teach others what true love is.
You may be wondering at this point, “Well Kiara, what is true love?”
The answer that came through during that profound experience is this: true love is self-awareness of the love that YOU are.
It is something that is neither granted nor denied, by another person.
It is something that you already ARE.
When you feel lonely, crave attention from another, feel angry, or become codependent, it is simply an indication you have temporarily lost your connection to the source of love within you. You have in a sense, “lost yourself.”
That’s it. There’s no need to follow up with self-judgment or guilt. We are all human, and we all do this from time to time.
But the good news? You can find it again.
This is why identity work is so big for me and in my coaching. This is why Rumi once said, “Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you. You are what you seek.”
Affirmations are a wonderful tool because they help you access that connection. The problem is that many believe in assertion. They believe that they can be loved if they just work harder, buy more gifts, give more time, effort, and energy, or maybe more foot massages and backrubs.
They believe their lovers can make them feel loved, and vice versa, so they study the book, the Five Love Languages.
They believe their bosses can make them feel intelligent, valuable, and worthy of more, so they sacrifice time with their family and loved ones, to spend more time at work.
Then when many fail to get their needs met, they become resentful. They may insist they “deserve” more. And they do indeed deserve more. The question is, where, or from whom are they assuming it should come?
Many believe others must change so they can feel better. This is why they practice assertiveness, or even become aggressive and create rigid rules and boundaries.
Or, they make demands and set ultimatums, or rebuke others, trying to force “good behavior”, accountability, and compliance from others.
But here’s the thing — there is no way to BE love while attempting to manipulate another — even if it’s toward good behavior. When you do this, it creates bondage. For you, and the other. You then enter a sick dance where you become a slave to others, to your relationships, to society, and eventually, an unrecognizable shell of yourself.
This is why God loves a cheerful giver.
A cheerful person never feels like what they are doing is a sacrifice. They willingly give backrubs, or time, or attention, because it is a joy to do so. It is like giving from the surplus of an already overflowing cup. It’s not even noticeable. It might even further nurture themselves at the same time. It becomes a win-win when you give to others from a joyful heart.
At some point, you will realize all the “villains” who are showing “bad” behavior are not the enemy. You will know your full power, and then there will be no one to control or condemn because there will be nothing to fight. Because love does not control.
This is what I learned from my chaotic, trainwreck relationship with myself, and with my ex.
You may now be wondering, “How do I connect with the love that I am? How do I mate with my soul?”
The answer begins with your intent. Start by saying “I am willing to learn the truth of me.”
Allow yourself to receive an understanding that love is an infinite truth of who YOU are. We all came into these physical bodies to experience loving, joyous, thrilling expansion. Not unworthiness, shame, guilt, or self-doubt.
During my awakening, I learned my purpose is to help others discover self-worth, remove limiting beliefs, and mate with their souls, so they can become a shining light to others of what’s possible. One by one, we each illuminate within, become empowered and uplift the planet.
It also became clear that the primary reason I struggled with codependency and low self-esteem, was because I attempted to do something that was never my job — save others. Nothing is wrong with being helpful. But I had to learn, it was not my job to save anyone.
First off, by trying to save other people, I stopped nurturing myself. I stopped putting my needs, desires, and dreams first, and instead, I replaced my needs with others’ dreams, needs, desires, and goals.
Because this was out of order, I became insistent that others had to feel better, and had to have a better life, and my ego demanded that I was going to be the one to help them find it–or else I became resentful and angry toward them.
Secondly, I was sending the wrong message; that I was more capable than they were. And by doing so, I was robbing them of the opportunity to find self-empowerment. This is huge. Many people today feel helpless as they watch the news, go to a dead-end job each day, and see no end in sight to the cycle of misery. The real lessons are learned when life experience causes them to rise above their trials and tribulations, and discover the strength within.
There’s so much more to you than what you may now know. I promise you, it’s there, deep inside, waiting for you to discover it. Set the intention, seek, and enjoy the ride.
For guidance on how you can mate with your soul, and learn to serve your own needs first, click here to book a call with me. <<Free Breakthrough Session>>
